It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
I think I sprained my soul last night
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
