According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
I'm bleeding and have questions
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
