Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
My vagina just clenched in fear
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
