i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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