I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Randomize
