my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
It's blow job season.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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