I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
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