Courtney? Is that you? I have pictures of this very same night.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
