All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
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