Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
