my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Randomize
