insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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