my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
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