I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Randomize
