If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
