i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
