i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
