giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
