Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Randomize
