FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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