just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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