hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I am one with the molecules
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
