OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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