So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
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