I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
This couple is walking their pig around campus
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
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