What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Randomize
