Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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