I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
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