so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
