i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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