I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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