I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Randomize
