i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Houston, we have a blender
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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