Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize