I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Randomize
