Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
