it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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