You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
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