fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
