mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
