Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
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