We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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