He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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