Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
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