not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
