Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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