So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
