The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
