she looked like the bat from fern gully.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
you have to choose: penises or morals?
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Randomize
