the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
