am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Randomize
