Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
In either case, seeing now as it's basically two couples, unless we're planning to have a good old fashion orgy I think this isn't going to work out so well.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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