She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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