I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
