Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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